This morning I woke up feeling the weight of my decisions and indecisions, and as usual found myself obsessing and worrying. I had the blessing of some cuddle time with my son and some invigorating hot water with lemon before setting out on a walk in the chilly and fresh air.
Walking and worrying, them berating myself for worrying, then trying to release all the fear, not quite succeeding – in spite of all the reading, meditating, and other “work” I do.
One of my favourite places to walk is through the Mt Pleasant Cemetery in Toronto. Beautiful, mature trees, big sky, and quiet companions! As usual, I have landed in my favourite sitting spot – a memorial garden with a fountain surrounded by memorial plaques, flowers and trees. And I noticed something… The plaques refer to the deceased as beloved son, mother, grandparent, spouse, friend, etc. Some include poetry or quotes, most don’t. Some include character traits such as generous, intellectual, helping. Not one says “beloved business tycoon and CEO”, or “successful life coach”, or “outstanding policy advisor”, or “dedicated nurse, carpenter, musician, teacher, statistician”. (Ok, there are some references to work roles but just a few.)
What does that tell me?
In this moment, as I struggle with my identity, career, and a remarkable ability to allow fear and self-doubt seep into every nook and cranny of my being, it tells me that IT DOESN’T MATTER!
Sure, it matters to feel purposeful and fulfilled, to give the best of myself to the world, and to earn a living. But what really seems to matter when all is done is the “beloved” part. Who are my beloveds? And to whom am I beloved? How wide a net will I cast in my life and chosen career?
Kind of puts things in perspective.
If I continue to allow fear to hold me back in one area of my life, it will hold me back in the others if only because that energy follows us wherever we go and has the power to limit the love we can share and receive through whatever gifts and vocations we have.
So now I am heading home for another cuddle – and a hot cup of coffee!
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!